A Self Portrait

Someday, somebody might stumble across this little place where I've recorded some of my thoughts. They might wonder who wrote all this--they can look in the corner to see my name, I guess. But they might wonder a little bit about what I was like. They'll think they have a sense of that from the little things I post here from time to time, but they won't know what it's like to actually live inside my head for a little while, or really get to know me.

No they won't.

But still, this thought got me thinking and reflecting on who I am and what I'm like. Not how I think I'm perceived sometimes, or how I'd really like to be perceived, but how I really am. If you happen to know me, you might already have a pretty good idea about that, but if not, well, there's an easy way around all that. I'll tell you. And I'll be honest about it. And you'll probably think, wow, this guy has issues. Which I do. But we all do, and some of those I've accepted and I try to work on them. Others, well, I like to ignore them. But here, I'd like to take a few moments to give you a detailed look at the person I am, and should you judge me for it, just don't tell me. Thanks.

---ME---

I am generally reliable. I am hard-working, organizing, vigilant, dutiful, evaluating, and persevering. But I am also cautious, anxious, both believing AND doubting, conservative AND liberal.

Sometimes I get into trouble. I do so by being pessimistic (although I might claim to be an optimist, which is really just me lying to myself). I can be defensive, evasive, negative, worrying--definitely worrying--doubtful, reactive, and suspicious of others and myself. I'm a skeptic. And I often place blame.

Other times, I can be a very good person. I can be courageous, cooperative, and disciplined. I can be grounded. I can be secure, faithful, self-expressive, funny (or I like to think so), and affectionate.

I am committed and security-oriented. I operate around the desire to create a stable, safe environment, to cooperate and create with others, and to be adequately prepared for the various difficulties that life presents. I am meticulous about the things I do, often to a fault. I am not really a "group person," but I like the feeling of "belonging" somewhere. I want to contribute to the world, and approach others as if to say, "I am here for you. You can count on me."

I do my best to be solid and responsible, but I am often troubled by an undercurrent of doubt and anxiety. I often seem a bit jittery and uneasy in general. I live in a state of worry--then I FIND SOMETHING TO WORRY ABOUT. It's ridiculous, really. I scan my surroundings for problems, expecting that something negative could happen at any time. I guess that's why I can be so cautious and meticulous about things. I am usually careful about the management of my affairs and am generally cautious about my dealings with others.

But at the same time, I'm always on the lookout for someone I CAN trust, someone I CAN rely on. It can take me time to decide if I can trust someone, and sometimes I will "test" them by provoking them in some way to see how they will react. But once I've decided that someone has passed the test, there is almost no limit to my loyalty or to the sacrifices that I will make for the sake of that trusted person.

When I commit to something, I commit to it 110%. I find it difficult to leave a relationship once I've begun to trust someone and rely on that person. I guess that's why I want to be sure I'm putting my energy into someone who will be there for me consistently. Once I've established that relationship with someone, I will show my trust and affection by supporting them in every way I can, especially by being reliable and trustworthy myself.

Trust. It's a big deal for me. I approach others with a sincere but cautious friendliness. When I'm relaxed, I can engage people and find common ground with them. I often try to get others to like me by joking around and bantering. I'm looking to find things that are familiar and that I can relate to. I'm looking for a basis of trust. But I tend to get very nervous in situations in which I don't know where others stand--where there are too many unknown variables, or unfamiliar faces.

I'm sure this trust thing is a personal problem. On some level, I probably don't trust myself and don't have much faith in myself or my own abilities, so I look to outside sources to find something to give me security. Of course, this doesn't solve my insecurity, because the more I rely on others for their confidence, the more self-doubting and insecure I become. I'll keep bouncing back and forth between depending on others and trying to prove that I am tough and independent myself.

The doubt and anxiety and insecurity can be overwhelming at times. In recent years, I have tended to impulsively leap into activities connected with my fears--like my recent joining of a city kickball team (terrible idea, by the way). But at other times, I can collapse into my anxiety and feel fearful, anxious, and dependent.

In brief, I want to have security, to feel supported by others, to have certitude and reassurance, to test the attitudes of others toward me, to fight against anxiety and insecurity, and I prefer predictability as a way of defending myself from threats from the environment. I DON'T want to feel abandoned, to have uncertainty, to have contradictory expectations placed on me, to feel pressured, to have to accept new ideas rapidly, to work with people who I feel are not carrying their weight, or to have my security systems and beliefs questioned, especially by anyone that is outside my inner circle of trusted friends.

Some people are organized like I am for different reasons. I am organized because I am trying to make my external world trouble-free and predictable (which is impossible, I know). But my insecurities are perpetuated by my constantly churning thoughts. I can't stop second-guessing myself, doubting what I know, and consulting my "inner committee" of contrary voices. There is a lot of "Did I get the phone bill paid this morning? Yes. I think so. Good. But what did I forget? Oh yeah! I was supposed to call so-and-so today. They're going to be so angry with me. Should I call now? No, it's too late. Should I call later? No, by then it's DEFINITELY too late" going on in my head.

I can be confusing to others, and myself, in relationships because I seem so changeable and unpredictable. In one moment, I feel nervous and want to be reassured that my partner is really on board with me. I want to know that she is close and available. In the next moment, I can easily feel smothered or overwhelmed by her and want to create some distance. A moment later, I'm looking for reassurance that I haven't gone too far in being independent. Basically, I'm always searching for the right distance between her and me. I want to keep her close enough that she doesn't feel abandoned, but far enough away that I don't feel smothered. I often have almost contradictory problems communicating--I clam up and don't say anything, or else I'll vent a stream of anxieties. I alternate between feeling dependent and needy, and feeling defiant and rebellious (I'm either hot or cold). I end up blaming others for my own anxieties, which isn't fair to them.

Ugh. Anxiety. I hate it. Sometimes people mistake it for fear, but that's not quite right. Fear is a response to a real danger in my environment; anxiety, on the other hand, is the ANTICIPATION of a danger. It's just this sense of dread and a terrible ability to continually conjure up the worst-case scenario in my imagination. So I'm always on the lookout, and as a result, my mind is constantly agitated. The irony is that this often impairs my ability to deal with the real problems when they actually arise, since I'm too busy thinking about all the things that could go wrong.

But it's maybe not all "anxiety." It's doubt, too. I seldom trust my own mind, my capacity to know. At least not when I'm in doubt's grip. I second-guess myself, recheck math that I'm sure I did correctly, go back to the house to make sure I locked the door that I actually remember locking, and so on and so forth. I'm anxious to have a reliable source of support and guidance in my life. Of course, once doubt sets in, I might doubt those very support systems. As you might expect, this can lead me to be paranoid.

But I'm not all bad. I'm not entirely dysfunctional. When I'm at my best, I can pull out some strong emotional responses from others--I can be engaging and friendly and playful. I can actually be likable sometimes, but I have difficulty relaxing around unfamiliar people sometimes. In those moments, I'm more likely to be introverted and a bit of a loner.

I can be dependable. I try to bring a sense of trust and camaraderie to my relationships and try to treat everyone as an equal. I'm committed to the people in my life. I am loyal to them, and I work hard to build stability, security, to my life as well as theirs. When I'm doing well, I believe in cooperation and shared goals, and I try to help to organize people and tackle problems. On my absolute best days, I actually can be a respectable influence for the greater good.

When I'm under a lot of stress, I'm hit with anxiety, it's hard to deal with. I deal with it different ways. In situations where I'm uncomfortable, I often feel afraid to let others know how overwhelmed I am, so I take on a false persona of competency and efficiency. Naturally, this backfires a lot. When I'm in a situation where I'm stressed but comfortable, I will shut down and become indifferent to everything. I don't want to be bothered or disturbed by anyone. Probably because it just feels like added pressure in some way. I can't deal with any more pressures at that point. So I become unavailable and passive-aggressive (like right now--at this moment, I have deleted my Facebook account, which I realize is childish), not wanting to respond to others or to move out of comforting but numbing routines.

But there are times when I can actually pull it off. I can actually deal with the stress, and I can open to life and to other people. I can appreciate life's ups and downs for what they are, and I don't worry so much about them. I can actually let my mind rest from time to time.

I'm far from perfect. In fact, looking back at what I believe is an adequate description of me, it may make me look like I'm neurotic. Some days I probably am. But there are better days than that sometimes. But this is, I believe, one of the most complete pictures I can paint of myself.

Coloring Outside the Lines

I do strange things.

I guess we all do--you probably do all kinds of strange things, but you don't know they're strange. So do I. But I also do things that I know are strange. I do things precisely because they're strange. Their strangeness is reason enough to do it.

"Strange" is probably a relative term. Does that matter? I don't know. I'm really just interested in seeing how people react to something out of the ordinary. It might not be received well, but if it isn't, I can usually just chalk it up to people not having enough of a sense of humor about life. That seems like a pretty good way out of being concerned about it. But that's why I can do the things I do.

Someday it will come back to bite me, I'm sure. I'll say or do something because, hey, let's see what happens, and somebody will punch me in the head, or I'll lose my job, or they'll have to wipe the blood from their foreheads, but oh well. It's worth it. I don't want to get to the end of my life and say "I should have _______." If that happens to come with a few more occasions to say "Maybe I shouldn't have ________," I can deal with that.

I'm old enough to know who I am, what I want out of life, and how to get it. I'm happy, and I can rarely say the same for the ones that spend their years trying so hard to pick the "right" colors and making sure they color in the "right" spaces. I'm interested in what happens when I venture outside all that.

Try it.

Doing Good

There aren't enough people doing good things in the world.

Be one.

Men: Be good people. You know how to do it? It's simple. Learn to respect women. Treat them like women. Open doors for them. Compliment them. Spoil them. Yes, spoil them. They have to put up with you on a regular basis, and despite how much you might feel you're God's greatest gift to the world (which makes you the opposite, by the way), it's no easy task. You're big, you're gross, you're clumsy--you're no prize. But make a concerted effort to be the antithesis of all those things. It is a guarantee that when you learn to treat women with the respect that they deserve, all of your other character flaws will shrink or entirely disappear. This extends to all spheres of malehood. Be good fathers; be good husbands; be good brothers; be good sons; in short, be real men. Be the men women hope you'll be, not the men they expect you to be. And learn some manners.

Women: Be good people. Your task is very different, but no less important. Stay humble. Stay thankful. Never forget to show your gratitude for even the smallest of things, and mean it when you say it. Never compromise your standards, and keep those standards high. Forgive people--men, women, and children. Don't hold others' faults against them, but accept them, help them to improve where you can and where they'll let you, and move on. Don't be unnecessarily stubborn. It seems most of you are more naturally aware of and attentive to others' needs, which is good, but just make sure you try to do something about it when somebody needs you to step in.

Be good; do good. Others will follow.

Please.

Growing Up

The other day I found myself surrounded by 18 and 19 year old kids. Don't ask me how--it was an unfortunate occurrence. But as one of them so awkwardly tried to introduce himself and chat it up with my female friend who was at least 5 years his senior, I was struck by two things:

First, I chuckled at how unnatural it all looked and sounded. It's actually quite remarkable how a simple introduction can fall apart when said in just the wrong way at just the wrong time.

But my second thought was, "good for him." At least he's trying to be personable, even if he isn't great at it right now. That's just part of growing up. His insecurities shine through even in his "My name is _______, by the way," but that's how most kids his age are--full of self-doubt and insecurity, and never quite sure of themselves, like a child trying to take its first steps. That's really what it felt like I was watching.

But as I was watching this unfold and contemplating how I am, or at least hope I'm different, I was struck by how I can now look back and see how I've grown. I remember being terrified to talk to strangers, to talk to girls, to do just about anything. But I remember getting to college and finding a groove and being able to reflect on my high school years and say "Wow, I can't believe I was so afraid of so many things back then. I'd be so much cooler now."

I was lucky, though. My first year in college I found some friends who helped me be myself. I learned how to be comfortable in some situations. And I was lucky that I dated someone who was the exact opposite of me--she was comfortable in every situation. I spent a lot of time with her and learned a lot from her, and I learned how to to not care so much about what others thought of me.

A few years later, I was far luckier. A friend of a friend--that's usually how those things start out. When I met her, I had learned how to care a lot less about other people's opinions of me, and that was a huge step. But I had only learned how to not be pulled or pushed by others, how to be neutral; I didn't know how to go anywhere myself. While I didn't care about how others viewed me, I still didn't know who I was. But this friend of a friend, somehow she seemed to know who I was even though I didn't. I spent much of the time trying to figure out what it was she saw and how to believe it myself. Sometimes I couldn't figure it out, and other times I simply didn't believe what she saw, or didn't want to believe what she saw, which is probably why our interactions often suffered at my ignorant hands. But it was through her and because of her that I was able to figure out who I am and what I am (and am not) capable of. And the biggest difference between her and everyone else was that she never tried to tell me--she just accepted it and let me work it out on my own. Which is probably how it has to be done.

And I finally had a complete picture. I knew who I was, which explained WHY I didn't need to pay attention to others' opinions. And suddenly I didn't have so many awkward introductions. I didn't have so many fears. I was comfortable in my own skin, which, as it turns out, is where I am most of the time, so I didn't have to rely on friends or circumstances to alleviate my anxiety or overcome my insecurities. I owe a lot of that to my friend of a friend. I owe her a lot of thanks for helping me become who I am and to see who I am. I can't give those thanks, unfortunately, because she's moved on to bigger and better things than the Scott project, but that's ok. She deserves the chance to focus on herself after all she's done for me.

But that's the big secret to growing up, at least as I see it. I'll never have an insecure teenager of my own that has to learn this, but somebody that does might stumble into these woods and find it, and if they find it helpful, great. To restate it simply, being grown up doesn't mean being a grown up; it just means you know what kind of grown up you want to be. To figure that out, you have to know who you are, at your core, with all your flaws and imperfections, and you have to be able to accept it. Only then can you learn your strengths and weaknesses and determine what path is best for you. And that's it. Nobody else is going to tell you what that path is, so don't listen to them when they try. Consider the words of your parents and other wise adults carefully, but don't let them make all of your decisions either, because part of growing up is learning, and you can't learn when everyone tells you the answers.

First, A Welcome

The Lost Woods--a childish name, for those who know, but still the right one.

This is merely a place for a mind to be free until it sleeps. There is no purpose other than to provide a place to remain apart from the rest of the world and to listen for the music.