A Self Portrait

Someday, somebody might stumble across this little place where I've recorded some of my thoughts. They might wonder who wrote all this--they can look in the corner to see my name, I guess. But they might wonder a little bit about what I was like. They'll think they have a sense of that from the little things I post here from time to time, but they won't know what it's like to actually live inside my head for a little while, or really get to know me.

No they won't.

But still, this thought got me thinking and reflecting on who I am and what I'm like. Not how I think I'm perceived sometimes, or how I'd really like to be perceived, but how I really am. If you happen to know me, you might already have a pretty good idea about that, but if not, well, there's an easy way around all that. I'll tell you. And I'll be honest about it. And you'll probably think, wow, this guy has issues. Which I do. But we all do, and some of those I've accepted and I try to work on them. Others, well, I like to ignore them. But here, I'd like to take a few moments to give you a detailed look at the person I am, and should you judge me for it, just don't tell me. Thanks.

---ME---

I am generally reliable. I am hard-working, organizing, vigilant, dutiful, evaluating, and persevering. But I am also cautious, anxious, both believing AND doubting, conservative AND liberal.

Sometimes I get into trouble. I do so by being pessimistic (although I might claim to be an optimist, which is really just me lying to myself). I can be defensive, evasive, negative, worrying--definitely worrying--doubtful, reactive, and suspicious of others and myself. I'm a skeptic. And I often place blame.

Other times, I can be a very good person. I can be courageous, cooperative, and disciplined. I can be grounded. I can be secure, faithful, self-expressive, funny (or I like to think so), and affectionate.

I am committed and security-oriented. I operate around the desire to create a stable, safe environment, to cooperate and create with others, and to be adequately prepared for the various difficulties that life presents. I am meticulous about the things I do, often to a fault. I am not really a "group person," but I like the feeling of "belonging" somewhere. I want to contribute to the world, and approach others as if to say, "I am here for you. You can count on me."

I do my best to be solid and responsible, but I am often troubled by an undercurrent of doubt and anxiety. I often seem a bit jittery and uneasy in general. I live in a state of worry--then I FIND SOMETHING TO WORRY ABOUT. It's ridiculous, really. I scan my surroundings for problems, expecting that something negative could happen at any time. I guess that's why I can be so cautious and meticulous about things. I am usually careful about the management of my affairs and am generally cautious about my dealings with others.

But at the same time, I'm always on the lookout for someone I CAN trust, someone I CAN rely on. It can take me time to decide if I can trust someone, and sometimes I will "test" them by provoking them in some way to see how they will react. But once I've decided that someone has passed the test, there is almost no limit to my loyalty or to the sacrifices that I will make for the sake of that trusted person.

When I commit to something, I commit to it 110%. I find it difficult to leave a relationship once I've begun to trust someone and rely on that person. I guess that's why I want to be sure I'm putting my energy into someone who will be there for me consistently. Once I've established that relationship with someone, I will show my trust and affection by supporting them in every way I can, especially by being reliable and trustworthy myself.

Trust. It's a big deal for me. I approach others with a sincere but cautious friendliness. When I'm relaxed, I can engage people and find common ground with them. I often try to get others to like me by joking around and bantering. I'm looking to find things that are familiar and that I can relate to. I'm looking for a basis of trust. But I tend to get very nervous in situations in which I don't know where others stand--where there are too many unknown variables, or unfamiliar faces.

I'm sure this trust thing is a personal problem. On some level, I probably don't trust myself and don't have much faith in myself or my own abilities, so I look to outside sources to find something to give me security. Of course, this doesn't solve my insecurity, because the more I rely on others for their confidence, the more self-doubting and insecure I become. I'll keep bouncing back and forth between depending on others and trying to prove that I am tough and independent myself.

The doubt and anxiety and insecurity can be overwhelming at times. In recent years, I have tended to impulsively leap into activities connected with my fears--like my recent joining of a city kickball team (terrible idea, by the way). But at other times, I can collapse into my anxiety and feel fearful, anxious, and dependent.

In brief, I want to have security, to feel supported by others, to have certitude and reassurance, to test the attitudes of others toward me, to fight against anxiety and insecurity, and I prefer predictability as a way of defending myself from threats from the environment. I DON'T want to feel abandoned, to have uncertainty, to have contradictory expectations placed on me, to feel pressured, to have to accept new ideas rapidly, to work with people who I feel are not carrying their weight, or to have my security systems and beliefs questioned, especially by anyone that is outside my inner circle of trusted friends.

Some people are organized like I am for different reasons. I am organized because I am trying to make my external world trouble-free and predictable (which is impossible, I know). But my insecurities are perpetuated by my constantly churning thoughts. I can't stop second-guessing myself, doubting what I know, and consulting my "inner committee" of contrary voices. There is a lot of "Did I get the phone bill paid this morning? Yes. I think so. Good. But what did I forget? Oh yeah! I was supposed to call so-and-so today. They're going to be so angry with me. Should I call now? No, it's too late. Should I call later? No, by then it's DEFINITELY too late" going on in my head.

I can be confusing to others, and myself, in relationships because I seem so changeable and unpredictable. In one moment, I feel nervous and want to be reassured that my partner is really on board with me. I want to know that she is close and available. In the next moment, I can easily feel smothered or overwhelmed by her and want to create some distance. A moment later, I'm looking for reassurance that I haven't gone too far in being independent. Basically, I'm always searching for the right distance between her and me. I want to keep her close enough that she doesn't feel abandoned, but far enough away that I don't feel smothered. I often have almost contradictory problems communicating--I clam up and don't say anything, or else I'll vent a stream of anxieties. I alternate between feeling dependent and needy, and feeling defiant and rebellious (I'm either hot or cold). I end up blaming others for my own anxieties, which isn't fair to them.

Ugh. Anxiety. I hate it. Sometimes people mistake it for fear, but that's not quite right. Fear is a response to a real danger in my environment; anxiety, on the other hand, is the ANTICIPATION of a danger. It's just this sense of dread and a terrible ability to continually conjure up the worst-case scenario in my imagination. So I'm always on the lookout, and as a result, my mind is constantly agitated. The irony is that this often impairs my ability to deal with the real problems when they actually arise, since I'm too busy thinking about all the things that could go wrong.

But it's maybe not all "anxiety." It's doubt, too. I seldom trust my own mind, my capacity to know. At least not when I'm in doubt's grip. I second-guess myself, recheck math that I'm sure I did correctly, go back to the house to make sure I locked the door that I actually remember locking, and so on and so forth. I'm anxious to have a reliable source of support and guidance in my life. Of course, once doubt sets in, I might doubt those very support systems. As you might expect, this can lead me to be paranoid.

But I'm not all bad. I'm not entirely dysfunctional. When I'm at my best, I can pull out some strong emotional responses from others--I can be engaging and friendly and playful. I can actually be likable sometimes, but I have difficulty relaxing around unfamiliar people sometimes. In those moments, I'm more likely to be introverted and a bit of a loner.

I can be dependable. I try to bring a sense of trust and camaraderie to my relationships and try to treat everyone as an equal. I'm committed to the people in my life. I am loyal to them, and I work hard to build stability, security, to my life as well as theirs. When I'm doing well, I believe in cooperation and shared goals, and I try to help to organize people and tackle problems. On my absolute best days, I actually can be a respectable influence for the greater good.

When I'm under a lot of stress, I'm hit with anxiety, it's hard to deal with. I deal with it different ways. In situations where I'm uncomfortable, I often feel afraid to let others know how overwhelmed I am, so I take on a false persona of competency and efficiency. Naturally, this backfires a lot. When I'm in a situation where I'm stressed but comfortable, I will shut down and become indifferent to everything. I don't want to be bothered or disturbed by anyone. Probably because it just feels like added pressure in some way. I can't deal with any more pressures at that point. So I become unavailable and passive-aggressive (like right now--at this moment, I have deleted my Facebook account, which I realize is childish), not wanting to respond to others or to move out of comforting but numbing routines.

But there are times when I can actually pull it off. I can actually deal with the stress, and I can open to life and to other people. I can appreciate life's ups and downs for what they are, and I don't worry so much about them. I can actually let my mind rest from time to time.

I'm far from perfect. In fact, looking back at what I believe is an adequate description of me, it may make me look like I'm neurotic. Some days I probably am. But there are better days than that sometimes. But this is, I believe, one of the most complete pictures I can paint of myself.