Growing Up

The other day I found myself surrounded by 18 and 19 year old kids. Don't ask me how--it was an unfortunate occurrence. But as one of them so awkwardly tried to introduce himself and chat it up with my female friend who was at least 5 years his senior, I was struck by two things:

First, I chuckled at how unnatural it all looked and sounded. It's actually quite remarkable how a simple introduction can fall apart when said in just the wrong way at just the wrong time.

But my second thought was, "good for him." At least he's trying to be personable, even if he isn't great at it right now. That's just part of growing up. His insecurities shine through even in his "My name is _______, by the way," but that's how most kids his age are--full of self-doubt and insecurity, and never quite sure of themselves, like a child trying to take its first steps. That's really what it felt like I was watching.

But as I was watching this unfold and contemplating how I am, or at least hope I'm different, I was struck by how I can now look back and see how I've grown. I remember being terrified to talk to strangers, to talk to girls, to do just about anything. But I remember getting to college and finding a groove and being able to reflect on my high school years and say "Wow, I can't believe I was so afraid of so many things back then. I'd be so much cooler now."

I was lucky, though. My first year in college I found some friends who helped me be myself. I learned how to be comfortable in some situations. And I was lucky that I dated someone who was the exact opposite of me--she was comfortable in every situation. I spent a lot of time with her and learned a lot from her, and I learned how to to not care so much about what others thought of me.

A few years later, I was far luckier. A friend of a friend--that's usually how those things start out. When I met her, I had learned how to care a lot less about other people's opinions of me, and that was a huge step. But I had only learned how to not be pulled or pushed by others, how to be neutral; I didn't know how to go anywhere myself. While I didn't care about how others viewed me, I still didn't know who I was. But this friend of a friend, somehow she seemed to know who I was even though I didn't. I spent much of the time trying to figure out what it was she saw and how to believe it myself. Sometimes I couldn't figure it out, and other times I simply didn't believe what she saw, or didn't want to believe what she saw, which is probably why our interactions often suffered at my ignorant hands. But it was through her and because of her that I was able to figure out who I am and what I am (and am not) capable of. And the biggest difference between her and everyone else was that she never tried to tell me--she just accepted it and let me work it out on my own. Which is probably how it has to be done.

And I finally had a complete picture. I knew who I was, which explained WHY I didn't need to pay attention to others' opinions. And suddenly I didn't have so many awkward introductions. I didn't have so many fears. I was comfortable in my own skin, which, as it turns out, is where I am most of the time, so I didn't have to rely on friends or circumstances to alleviate my anxiety or overcome my insecurities. I owe a lot of that to my friend of a friend. I owe her a lot of thanks for helping me become who I am and to see who I am. I can't give those thanks, unfortunately, because she's moved on to bigger and better things than the Scott project, but that's ok. She deserves the chance to focus on herself after all she's done for me.

But that's the big secret to growing up, at least as I see it. I'll never have an insecure teenager of my own that has to learn this, but somebody that does might stumble into these woods and find it, and if they find it helpful, great. To restate it simply, being grown up doesn't mean being a grown up; it just means you know what kind of grown up you want to be. To figure that out, you have to know who you are, at your core, with all your flaws and imperfections, and you have to be able to accept it. Only then can you learn your strengths and weaknesses and determine what path is best for you. And that's it. Nobody else is going to tell you what that path is, so don't listen to them when they try. Consider the words of your parents and other wise adults carefully, but don't let them make all of your decisions either, because part of growing up is learning, and you can't learn when everyone tells you the answers.